The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
- Confucius
When you have completed 95 percent of your journey, you are only halfway there.
- Japanese proverb
- Warning: The following is a long post of largely self-indulgent twaddle. If you are not a fan of this style of navel-grazing, please turn back now. If you are still interested, read on at your own risk!
This morning I’ve been pondering many things about life, death, living abroad, fears, anxieties and the journey of discovery that is life. Australians are typically known as down-to-Earth, stoic, good natured, humourous people who tend to mock those who dwell in excessive navel-grazing, especially Americans. While, I admire my fellow countrymens’ spirit of onward and upward, not letting the past drag you down and moving with life’s challenges without overly questioning your past. I think there is a place for introspection and re-evaluating your life and life goals as time goes on.
I’ve always been a fairly contemplative person even as a kid, I’d often ponder all life’s great mysteries – why are we here?, why did I get born at this place and time? - why is there is no Disneyland in Australia? I still remember my school cricket coach chastising me for letting the ball run past in the field, he asked why didn’t I chase it? I replied that I was daydreaming. He chuckled with a knowing laugh.
Another thing I’ve always been is a fairly anxious, wound-up individual underneath my often laidback, quiet, self-deprecating veneer. I put a lot of this down to the time of my birth. I was born just 16 days after my mother’s mother died from a long, painful bout of breast cancer. During this time, my grandmother was longing to be able to see me but was confident that she’d see me before anyone else in the afterlife if her time came before I was born. I imagine this was a very traumatic time for my mother and imagine that the stress and anxiety would have played a part in my yet-to-be-born development. Though, mother as my father are firmly in the camp of moving on with life’s challenges with minimal fuss and/or introspection, and my queries on this topic have always been brushed aside with their typical stoic behaviour.
I happened to be born with the rare illness of congenital lactose intolerance whereby my body was even incapable of processing the lactose from my mother’s milk. This is illness progressed to such a point that it was near-fatal, before a doctor accurately diagnosed my condition and recommended non-dairy formula. Indeed, many infants in developing countries still die from this condition and had I been born just 20 years earlier there’s a fair chance I too would have died from this condition. I believe that this has contributed to the way I look at death. I, unlike many individuals, do not fear death in any way, shape, or form as I believe I’ve been close to death before and have nothing to fear from it. In a way, I was given a second chance just after birth and any time longer I spend on this Earth is a bonus. This notion has been further reinforced through my ongoing struggle with depression and anxiety which has stuck with me since adolescence.
I’ve always been a fairly sickly individual. I often mention that I may be fit at times, but I’m never actually healthy. Along with the lactose intolerance, depression and anxiety, I’m allergic to penicillin, suffer mild asthma and have broken 10+ bones in my times, largely due to brittle bones caused by a lack of calcium in my early development and profound lack of coordination and clumsiness!
As I mentioned earlier, both Australia and my family in particular, are not fans of navel-grazing. I was born into a hardworking, strong-minded, intelligent, WASP family where excuses are barely tolerated and you are expected to achieve despite any shortcomings. My parents gave me a very loving yet strong childhood where I was largely unable to use any of difficulties as excuses for not getting where they believe I could and should be. I value my parents for showing this strong approach as I fear I wouldn’t have amounted to much had it not been for their strong guidance.
Depression and anxiety has been something that’s always been there since my adolescence. I remember as a teenager often being morbidly depressed for no real reason whatsoever. At the time, I just put it down to teenage hormones and dared not let anyone else in on this secret. My depression came to a head during my first year of university, living away from home in Melbourne with my aunt and uncle. Now it had finally got to a point where it couldn’t be hidden and was pushing me to fatalistic conclusions. I never wanted to or attempted to end my own life despite never actually fearing death as I never wanted my family and friends to suffer at my loss and also wanted to leave a better legacy for myself than taking my own way out.
During this time, I one day decided that this wasn’t going to go away by itself and voluntarily went to my GP who recommended a therapist, and so the healing began! What following was some very difficult times in my late teens/early 20s of severe depression and anxiety, panic attacks – which I kept to myself – and a whole host of other hardships. During this time, my parents insisted that I continue my studies and part-time work as they thought I needed the stability of education and employment, and feared I’d never return to uni if I were to pull out. – I credit them on this approach as I have no doubt, I would have lost many years had I dropped out of uni at that point in time. In the end, my pride in myself and family kept me going despite some very difficult years.
The years following were best described as aimlessly treading water and avoiding risks at any chance. This I believe was a fairly natural response to the years preceding. But, did leave me feeling deeply unsatisfied as I had always made a promise to myself to keep challenging myself and living my dreams rather than being trapped by my anxieties and insecurities.
This eventually led me onto Korea. It’s funny, just eight months previous to my arrival in Korea, I vividly remember turning to my Mum whilst watching the Korea-Japan World Cup, “You know what? I’ve never had an interest in visiting Japan, or Korea for that matter!” – Little did I know that just around the corner in 2003, I would take the biggest step of my life so far and move to Jeonju, South Korea to teach English. I’ve been here – for the most part – ever since!
What enabled me to consider moving abroad to a foreign land and culture to teach English was a lingering feeling that I was wasting my life, drowning in fear and anxiety. The September 11 attacks were a catalyst for me to get off my arse and live my life as life is gone in an instant and is a precious gift which we never really know when it’ll run out. I vividly remember watching live images of office workers choosing to flee the World Trade Center buildings hand-in-hand and jump off when faced with the terrible decision of how to deal with the inevitable. These people were innocent folk whose only crime was turning up to work at the wrong place and the wrong time.
9/11 caused me to reflect on my life, its values and my views of the afterlife – or lack thereof. As a result of this time of reflection, I concluded that whilst there is most probably a higher-being, I would classify myself as Agnostic. And, once we die we return to the Earth. There’s no afterlife, there’s no heaven, no hell, no being reincarnated as a frog or Joan of Arc. We return to the Earth, but live on in the form of the elements (Carbon, Oxygen, Calcium, etc.) and matter we leave behind. Life goes on, we change form to become soil, air or some other matter and only our legacy remains. That’s why when my time comes, I choose to be cremated and have my ashes spread from a plane over the centre of Australia so that my ashes can return to the land of my birth and spread throughout the continent via the winds of the arid interior.
This reflection led me to believe that once our time’s up, it’s up. There’s no second chance, there’s no watching loved ones from above, there’s no shoveling coal for the devil in a furnace beneath the ground. That’s it. Game over. You become worm fodder and your consciousness ceases. This thinking gave me the impetus to get on and live my life I have as it’s the only one I’ve got and it would be a waste to be mired in a life of fear and anxiety.
I often also believe I owe it to those less fortunate than myself to live my life the best I can as I have been so unbelievably to have been born where I was, at the time I was and to the family I was. In the great lottery of life, I won a pretty good jackpot right at the start and owe it to myself and others to live it to the best of my potential and to treat all other individuals with love, respect and equality. That’s not to say I’m a great human being. I’m as bad, if not worse, than most. I can be prejudiced, can be rude, can be arrogant, can be nasty at times. But, these are things I’m deeply ashamed of when I catch myself doing this and is something I constantly try to change and minimise in my life.
Which leads me onto Korea. After the ten years before my time in Korea I find Korea to be a cakewalk all in all. I still often find myself returning to my old self when back in Australia – being racked with fear and anxiety and lack of confidence. Whereas in Korea, I am free, I am my true self and feel I can conquer the world! I often believe life’s struggles and challenges are there to prepare and develop us for further challenges and struggles up ahead. As such, I feel my hardships beforehand have held me in good stead for the many challenges Korea dishes out to non-Koreans.
By all accounts, South Korea is a very comfortable life for Westerners teaching English. We are provided accommodation, employment and are required to pay bugger all tax. That said, there are a load of obstacles in the way of non-Koreans, including Westerners, in South Korea. Most of which arise from deep seeded cultural bias, prejudice, beliefs and racism, coupled with State-endorsed and promoted discrimination and a lack of critical thinking over acceped and established values and beliefs.
South Korea is in many ways a great place that has achieved so much in so little time. But, it’s greatest obstacle is its collective mindset towards non-Koreans and the country will never achieve its full potential without a critical look and evaluation of long-held and largely unquestioned, established cultural beliefs. For South Korea to shine, this needs to change.
Whilst, often being a deeply unpleasant experience. I believe everyone should spent at least some time in a place or country where there are a minority. It challenges a lot of the belief systems you held onto, often unknowingly, and causes you to challenges these beliefs, to analyse and evaluate your current position, and reflect on your behaviour in the past. I’d like to think most people come out of it – if they are lucky enough to leave the place of discrimination – as more rounded individuals as a result of this and better for the exposure.
I, myself, have learned and continue to learn immeasurably from this experience. Granted, I am just as often positively discriminated against due to my appearance/ ethnicity, which is something that is uncomfortable in itself, and I have it nowhere near as hard as many non-Koreans in South Korea. Once again, I am very lucky in this regard and need to understand and appreciate that many others do not share my fortune.
In closing, I’d like to say that life is a never ending journey which doesn’t stop till the lights are off. I am still a young man of rather limited life experiences, but my life so far has taught me to try to appreciate the small things in life we often take for granted and to get out there and live in, and not let past hardships, wrongdoings, anxieties or any other obstacles hold you back.
If you feel there is a greater calling for you, there’s an urge you need to scratch, there’s something you’d love to do but don’t the confidence. I urge you to take the plunge, dive in head first and don’t hold back. This life is the only one we’ve got and it’d be a shame to waste it. There’s a lot I need to and should do myself.
Thank you for reading.
Posted by elcanguro76 
